An Ode to My Parents - Pt 1. Mother

My parents both passed away. It feels lonely sometimes. My only wish is that they could be here with me to raise Zephyr. I wanted to honor them on this Day of the Dead. I know you're here on this physical plane, but I feel your support every day. Thank you for shaping me, I would not be me without you guys.

I lost my mom when I was two. Thirty-five years later, my heart still aches for her. Jocelyn, was only twenty-five when she passed of a heart attack. A virus took over her body making her heart weak. I'll never really know her and sometimes I question if that's how she even died. I set out to the Philippines, to find out who she was for my college thesis. I did not learn much, but some did suspect she was suffering from depression. We moved to California when I was two. She had no family here. Two months after arriving she passed.

Here's my video project, Duality if you'd like to see what I discovered in the Philippines:

Without my mom, growing up I felt like the odd man out. Never feeling like I belonged anywhere. My family is wonderful but I needed to understand aspects of my personality that didn't match up with my dad's DNA. For instance, I am very eco-conscious. Since watching a song about recycling in second grade, I've very OCD when it comes to sorting trash. Looking at images of anything harming the earth such as natural disasters and human impact use to have a devastating impact on me. I related so much to the movie "Ferngully" because I can feel the tree's pain. When I'm out in the silence and beauty of nature is when I feel the most at home. I realized this trait was passed down from my mother's family when I went to visit them in their small town of Maasin, Leyte in the Philippines. The matriarchs of my mother's family plant forests and educate locals and farmers about global warming. I could finally make sense of it! My earth-loving hippy self is my nature!

Before Zephyr, I resistant to being a mother. I knew I had the maternal instincts to raise a child. My ego told me I was not fit to be a mom. Ryan's family embraced me with open arms. They made me feel heard and seen, especially his mom, Heidi. She listens objectively and loves me endlessly. I felt safe and supported. It was time. Time to have a baby.

My mom may not be with me here physically. But I feel her presence every day. She visits me in the form of hummingbirds, who are messengers from the ghost plane. They are one of the only creatures that can move up, down, forward, backward, and hover. Our relationship defies time and space.