Today is my BIRTHday. A year ago at exactly 9:24 PM I hung up my maiden hat and traded it for my CROWN.
As you may know my birth plan and birth story couldn’t be more on opposite ends of the spectrum. At the end of the day, Zephyr and I left the hospital a day later. It’s not to say I didn’t bring home some battle wounds that are still in the process of healing.
The past three months, pretty much since my ayahuasca experience on 11/1 I’ve had an in-depth exploration of the underworld. I sat with my shadow self, she came at me with urgency, “There’s a lot here you’ve bottled up your whole life, and it’s about time we address them if you want to show up for your son. He’s a big responsibility, and he’s counting on you.”
The emergency C-section opened my core wounds. Unleashing a fury of patterns, fears, and oh so much anxiety. I’ve been in a heightened state of hyper-vigilance and have been triggered by anything and everything. Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep, imbalance of hormones, and grief.
No amount of books read, videos watched, and googling will prepare you for motherhood.
I’m finding it so hard to do just the things I did as a single “normy” like go out for dinner and grocery shop without feeling judged entirely by everyone around me.
Just a couple days ago, when the rain let up, we dashed to catch a beach sunset. Since we were already out and paid $8 for parking, I thought a night out for a beer and burger would be nice. The two single girls only having a beer would roll their eye over to us and (since I’m very telepathic or paranoid) I can hear their judgments of how obnoxious it was to be sat next to a rambunctious baby boy still figuring out how to get his food to his mouth. The transition out of maidenhood has made me realize that I have terrible social anxiety. And the years of drinking was my liquid courage at almost any social event I attended.
As awful as I’m making this sound to those without kids, the good far outweighs the hang-ups I’ve been working through. I’m so grateful for this awakening, it’s shedding light on my blindspots. It’s made me realize how much actual RAGE I’ve stored up in my body. I reached out for professional help and my homework for two weeks was screaming into a pillow every day as my 10-minute meditation. I let it go, all the truths I never shared and had been repressed for so long.
I love Zephyr with my entire being. I love being his mom. When he throws his arms around me and leans all his weight against me I know, I’m making him feel safe. It’s the best thing in the entire world.
To witness his growth and playing a role in his ever-expanding universe is an honor and a blessing. Nothing compares!
This entire winter I’ve been sitting at the table with my demons. It’s been a daunting dinner party. But I see the light peak over the horizon. The fog of depression is lifting, and I’m feeling stronger, and more motivated than ever.
With the help of my partner, I’m commuting a mission of service and got a mentor to help me break through the blocks I’ve placed upon myself.
I understand this year has been many a non-stop gambit of ups and downs. A soul contract I made with myself so that I could understand what it means embody my role as a conscious mother. To empathize the full spectrum journey of motherhood. I’m realizing the meaning in my life that I’ve been seeking is to hold the light and walk alongside you mama because it feels so lonely and isolating. This too shall pass. Because when one mama heals, she heals all of us.