It’s a tender day today. It’s not only International Womxn’s Day, its also my mother’s birthday. She passed a month before I turned two, a had just moved from Seoul, South Korea to Norwalk, California.
The majority of my life, I struggled with depression, addiction, and anxiety. My head was always on a swivel, I didn’t know how to maintain relationships because I feared abandonment. I found myself angry, and resentful convinced I was dealt a shitty hand and my life would forever be cursed.
I begged for love in many of the wrong places which led to abuse, self-sacrifice, and countless partners.
When I had my awakening, I realized all the love I was seeking outside of myself was found within me.
The nurturing mother I was yearning for was found within me.
The validation I was seeking was found within me.
And the connection I have with my mother has always defied time and space. I realized that in college when my world was flooded with hummingbirds, anytime I needed her.
Funny enough, last night in my dreams I was lost in a shopping mall in the Philippines and my dad walked by my side helping me find my way. He passed 8 years ago.
Today I’m sitting with the feelings and allowing it all to flood me.
Angry that I feel orphaned.
Grateful for the blessed life I created with my own family.
Eternal and unconditional love for my story.
Resentful that I can’t remember her.
Frustrated that this is my day off AND I have a lot of work to catch up on.